Did You Hear That Loud Popping Sound?

I’ve experienced a big shift in perspective, I think my head popped out of my  —- you get the picture. The closer I get to the treatment (I finally have the device in my hands and the tube gets inserted Saturday!)– the more thoughtful I get about what I do with my time. And the more creative I feel. What’s surprising me is the ways that I’m drawn creatively. I sit down to write poetry and I end up writing flash fiction. I doodle mindlessly and I end up at an art supply store. For awhile I fought my creative impulses. I created a rigid mindset about being a poet feeling I had to put all my energy into it and nothing else. When I do that my poetry becomes stalled and uninspired. But after 3 years of isolation, depression and vertigo I am ready to look closely  at the set of unacknowledged beliefs I’m operating under. As I become vertigo free I want to minimize my stress and open up to whatever lessons there are to learn in order to give myself a break. I questioned myself about why I was so rigid about having to channel everything into poetry and only poetry. Once I started journaling, on about the third page of wandering through my psyche looking for answers, I practically stumbled over what I found. In college I was praised for poetry and essay, encouraged to write and apply to several MFA programs. But, my first creative writing professor was blunt about how much my stories, according to her, literally sucked. She offered no guidance, just told me to stick with “what you do best – poetry”. Couple my belief that the art I make is not “real” art and I end up squashing any creative instinct that veers from poetry or essay. But when I do that, poetry turns into a chore like washing windows (I actually dislike all forms of housework – all forms. Why I thought it was important to tell you this I don’t know) So, I am surrendering to my creativity. I know poetry won’t disappear from my life – as a matter of fact it will probably be fed by giving myself the freedom to explore other things. I’ve sent out 4 poems – it feels good to have done it and I don’t feel what I expected (terror!) – at least not yet! Surrender has me feeling bold, alive, tickled, brave, loving, loved. We only live until we die – such a simple statement – obvious- like things that make you say “duh!.” When I bumped into it during my psyche exploration I laughed out loud. Of course, what else to do? But what I had been doing was hiding – not living. Even hiding from myself. I remember going through the healing process from childhood abuse and acknowledging the value of surviving while at the same time knowing I needed to go beyond survival into living. During the past 3 years of illness I have fallen back into survival mode battling fears – old and new – real and imagined. It’s time to live – treatment or no treatment ( know people, especially women, who live with chronic illness and embrace life.) It’s good to be alive even with all the painful imperfections we all face in one form or another. In the south we tend to say we are “fixin’ to” as in “fixin’ to let the cat out.” It’s time to stop fixin’ to and get on with it!

This is the device. Gray, boring, lackluster —- but a real beauty to me!

Tags: Art, changing perspective, Creativity, hope, living, Menier's, Poetry, writing